TH.

Dear Tonya

We didn't know each other; we only knew of one another. We met in January of 1986 when you gave birth to me. Our relationship ended abruptly 3 months later when you were told, and realized that you weren't fit to raise a child. Although it may seem unfair to some, I find it to be a blessing. I had a great upbringing, filled with love, family, amazing memories and experiences that I may not have had otherwise. I am truly grateful for the life and second chance I was given. 

I don't want you to feel like I'm coming down on you. It is to be understood that it is hard for one to kick bad habits. Drugs are a true killer, and that mixed with poor judgment and surroundings (i.e. the people around you) can be detrimental to ones possible chance at success. Unfortunately, you weren't able to change your ways; however, I'm hoping that you are able to live the life you weren't able to live when you were here. I pray that your pain and your hurt has diminished. I pray that you are being comforted by your mother and grandmother. I pray that you make better choices in heaven. I pray that you are okay. 

Regardless of our lack of communication and overall relationship with one another, I'd like to thank you for giving me life. Also, thank you for allowing someone else, your mother for raising me as her own. I will never have an ounce of hate in my heart towards you. There will always be unanswered questions; that's quite unsettling for me to swallow. There will even be "what if"...; I'll have to get over that. At least I'll always know that you're okay now.

Thank you...and may you rest peacefully.

Brief.

Something brief: I've got to get this attitude together. But I know it's coming from missing my mother. Today last week was Valentine's Day. My Husband gifted me a trip to NYC to see Melanie B in CHICAGO for Christmas. It was the perfect Valentine's gift, even though I truly feel the say has become way more than what it should be. A card, some candy and maybe flowers is suffice. Anything more than that is indeed TOO MUCH.  Anyway, we go and see this amazing show, and we get to meet Mel B at the end. By far the best part of the trip. Probably the most amazing thing to ever happen in my life to be honest. To meet someone I idolized at a kid; someone who embodied the idea that being yourself is okay...it's what every kid needs. Meeting her brought all of that full circle for me in a way. So, I had to tell her about this, and thank her for just being her true self with her girls. She needed to know that she helped a little 10/11 year old boy understand that one day, if not that day, he will be able to accept and love himself the way he is. So fucking amazing! When we got back to the hotel I was still excited. Upon showering for bed, I then had this overwhelming feeling of needing to tell someone. That's when I realized the person I wanted to tell was no longer around. It hurt me so bad. I just cried in the shower...kind of like Toni Braxton in "Un-break My Heart"...sans the sitting in the corner part. Nonetheless, it still hurt. I quickly let it go and finished before hopping in bed like nothing had ever happened just minutes before. I just miss her so much. Days since, I've been on edge about things because of it. It wasn't until last night that when I took something my Husband said to heart, and was all in my feelings that I knew everything was coming to a head. Then I had the most amazing dream: my mother came. She was her old self, in her good wig, a cute little blue dress (blue was her favorite color), and vibrant. She saw me and said, "DONTE! My baby!", and gave me the biggest hug ever. The best part was when she told me, "I love you so much!" All I can remember after that was crying hysterically in my dream. It was a feeling of great love and relief.  Next thing I know, it was 6:20AM and I was getting up for work. I am so happy to have had that moment. I miss her. 

Twenty Seventeen.

Let's keep this short.

This is year shall be a year of growth, experience, more change, trust, learning, and achievement. I feel more comfortable with both myself and relationship than ever before. However, now that we are married...yes, married -- it is my duty to continue he effort on my end to be the best husband and stepfather possible. My effort must continue the same for our company we are in the midst of doing. So far, I have spent hours upon hours researching to ensure that this company is not only lucrative, but has the longevity and growth that I see it having. There is also a side venture that I have been contemplating, however, more research is needed for that. My goal is to be up and running by year's end.

The focus of this year shall be growth. This year shall lack limits and have more experience. With said experience should come hard work, and with achievement to follow. There have been one too many years of talking the talk. This year I shall walk. Put my money where my mouth is...literally and figuratively. I must learn to trust myself and know that even if I fall flat on my ass, I at least tried. I have spent years beating myself up for not try certain things or completing school. This year I need to let hat go and trust that trying is enough. 

I want 2017 to be my year for exceptional growth professionally. My account needs to read boss just like my business cards. A year of change it is, but growth overall. I look forward to it, and embrace with an open heart and open mind. 

Now back to my honeymoon! Hah!!

On my mind.

In 2013, I experienced the worst possible pain ever -- losing someone you love. Just last year, that pain resurfaced with the loss of my Mother. Today's pain is less of a depression and more or a disappointment. The loss of close friendships. Many my life might question my actions, as I've been quite distant with some and quiet. My actions are only brought on by those of others I've considered to be close friends/loved ones. Even those I've labeled as "best" and "loved" have made me re-evaluate where we all stand.

When I moved away from New Jersey to Nashville, it wasn't only because of a relationship. I moved away for change, and for new surroundings, and to make new friends and to have a difference in my life. Prior to relocating, I spent 2 years working my ass off living check to check and not having any time to myself. The little time carved out was spent in between the walls of my apartment. That apartment was my sanctuary. I grew a love for that place...a love like no other. It protected me from the world. I loved it. I invited friends over, and some came, while others complained. It's rough having something you care about so much, and you try your best to share it with the world; yet all people can do is complain and/or not support you. This same predicament is mirroring at present time.

I've never been the friend to keep away from others, but I've learned over the course of the last 12 months that some people aren't forever. There have been guys that I've dated in the past and may have had some sort of sexual history with that had ended way back when...I'd befriend them. Gone. That was a choice I made based off of maturity and realizing that things in my life have CLEARLY changed. My views are way different. I can no longer converse about this dick and that dick. I don't care who's sucking on your balls. I mean...really. And I don't care who you hooked up with. We all have THAT friend, but I had one toooooo many of those friends. I have acquaintances up the ass that would randomly hit me up, and I'm sure at one point in time I was that acquaintance. I no longer converse with many of those. And then there's the "bests"... like the one I would hold inappropriate conversations with. Using inappropriate doesn't mean every conversation was of that nature, but WE made it allowed which cost us both lots of respect from others and each other. I love that kid dearly, but I can no longer subject myself to conversations about sex, my past/history, or anything like that. And its not fair for him to do that for himself. Then there's the other "best" whom could truly care less about my happiness. We all are to worry about ourselves, but when we share our lives with other's it becomes less about ME and more about WE. I am a WE now. Still a ME...but a WE. If someone is calling himself/herself a friend of mine, I would hope to have the support and understanding that one gives to their friends. I have done my best to support and give advice even when I felt it wouldn't be heard and/or cared for. But that's what friends do. I do my best to support one's beliefs; however, it doesn't make ANY sense to me that someone cannot support gay union/marriage/relationships, but can take part in all things gay: I.E. clubs, bars, lounges, parties, photo ops, dinners, etc. There is a clear "gay-appropriation" until shit gets real, and it's downright wrong and comes off as fake. And to this person...I love you so fucking much and would never want you to hurt. But I'm hurt by the lack of support and understanding of my happiness. And I will NOT stop living my life for you or anyone else. As I would never expect or want that of you.

It's been a long time coming for this to be let out. I often think about it...daily actually. But one thing I can say is that I am truly thankful for my life, the opportunities, the travel, and all the things that God has blessed me with. I remember sitting in the mall depressed about what would happen next. The second I got the message from the Lord that all things will be okay and that my angel would guide me to greatness...I ran with it. It has gotten me to such an amazing place. I have a man whom I love more than he'll ever know. There's no other man out there for me. He's just too great. He gets me and appreciates me, protects me, respects me, and loves me. You can't trade that for anything. And now I'll have a step-daughter who oddly enough slightly resembles me. Weird. But I am so blessed, and so grateful for my life -- just wish others whom I have care so much for would join in on my journey. It just goes to show that it's so very true that some people aren't supposed to stay on the journey of life with you. Some are just for the time being. Kind of like money. The same people who get you to $1million are not the same ones who will get you to $5million or $10million.

[lyric]

"if i could just turn back the hands of time, i'd make you fall in love--love with me again...

so would you give me another chance to love--to love you--love the right way...no games?!"

#gtig